'I felt so lonely.'

Let's explore connection in September

Photo by Rafaëlla Waasdorp on Unsplash1^st September.

1st September

All change.

The kids are going back to school.

Summer is folding away her holiday clothes.

It’s new pencil case time.

It’s all change for me again too.

I’ve moved from my apartment in the rooftops of Alnwick to a tiny cottage around the corner.

I loved the view and light in the apartment but now I have my own front door and a little yard that backs on to the original and ancient Alnwick wall that surrounds the town.

Three years since moving to Alnwick, I feel like I’m slowly attaching myself to the very fabric of the town.

Photo by Jeffrey Zhang on Unsplash

There was a beer festival in the centre of Alnwick last weekend, and I had some friends visiting and they both said to me: ‘Wow, you seem to know everyone.’

Yes, I’ve definitely started to feel part of a real community here – of good- hearted people creating great things in the town – from regenerating the marketplace to creating a calendar of events that are fun, lively and inspiring. Last weekend had the young and old dancing together and singing along to cheesy songs. I loved it.

What’s your definition of home?

In the Heart Leap online community, we’ve been talking a lot about home and what it means. I’ve realised that being part and contributing to a local (as well online) community means a lot to me.

I didn’t know that five years ago.

Five years ago, I left my cottage in Sussex to have an adventure to live on a canal boat, then a camper van and travelled without making anywhere a  ‘home’ until I settled in Alnwick. My son was off to university and for the first time in a long time, I was alone and had the time and space to ask myself – post-kids - what does a happy life look like for me?

Kids take up enormous amounts of your brain, energy and focus. Without my son, I felt a bit low and lost if I’m honest. (Not helped by a romantic relationship break up either)

It’s not been easy to start again in a new town. Many people already have their own friendship groups. (I was very lucky to have old uni friend here but I couldn’t just hang around her house all day as much as I tried)

It takes time to build connections and feel part of a community. Especially when you are single and work from home. At first, I felt really disconnected and lonely. I missed my old life and my son.

I explored loneliness in an article I wrote recently and got to interview Professor Olivia Sagan, a chartered psychologist who researches loneliness. She says that it’s much easier to uproot and leave our communities than ever before, which can be good if we feel stifled or are leaving an unhealthy situation.

But she says, we have to be careful to anchor ourselves deeply in new communities otherwise we’ll pay for our uprooting with loneliness:

“Modern society has given us a broader range of choices than ever before. We can uproot to different countries and different towns and cities, we can leave behind oppressive cultural institutions, we can leave relationships behind that are no longer working for us so there are no longer these strongholds keeping us anchored to one particular geographical or psychological space. 

Our society has given us all these new choices, but they have come at a cost of loneliness. Part of our modern way of living – ephemeral, fragmented, hybrid, transitional – has been accelerated through digital platforms and social media and has made us less able to have prolonged and sustained human contact and conversations. We simply don’t have the time, we see people fleetingly and we invest less in the relationships around us.”

Part of the reason loneliness has become such a huge issue, she says, is because the transient way we live our lives affects the quality and depth of our relationships. “The loneliness research is very clear that it is not about how many friends you’ve got but the quality of your relationships.”

So true. We all know what it feels like to be surrounded by people but feel lonely. It is about the quality of connection.

But how do you do that?

When you move to a new place, when you decide to start again, how do you make new friends, how do you feel part of a community, how do you find your tribe? How do you create quality relationships?

Single and working from home on my freelance journalism and Substack, all I knew was I had to get out there in the world, I couldn’t just sit in my apartment moping.

I’m now working in the local indie bookshop The Accidental Bookshop for a couple of days a week, I started a ‘vintage stall’ with my uni friend in the brilliant vintage emporium The Beehive where I buy and sell little bits and bobs of vintage furniture, I also co-founded the Alnwick Story Fest, a book and story festival that happens once a year in February (we are about to release tickets for 2025 in October – so keep your eyes peeled.) I have also created a monthly book club at the bookshop and am loving it.

I also joined a dating site and got myself a lovely new boyfriend, who makes me laugh and is kind and feels like a good friend already.

Let’s connect

It didn’t happen overnight but three years on, I’m getting there. I feel part of the working community, I feel I’m contributing to the town and making a positive difference with the festival and get to hang out with funny, interesting and good-hearted people. It’s only by spending regular time with people that you get to know them properly – beyond the superficial ‘how are you/I’m fine interactions’.

And what I’ve learned is that everyone has a story. Everyone has their own pain they have overcome or are overcoming and everyone is doing their best to live a life that makes them happy.

And when we all join together to host a beer festival or a story festival, to start a business or volunteer – real connection happens.

So on September 1st, I want to dedicate this month’s journalling prompts to connection.

I want to fill my little house with people and conversations and good times this September.

What about you?

How can you create more connection this month?

Here are ten journaling prompts for the 1^st of the month

1.     Name five of your favourite people – why do you like them? (Do they have anything in common - they make you laugh/inspire you/are positive and fun?)

2.     When was the last time you felt truly connected to someone and why?

3.     How do you connect to yourself? (when you’re triggered/when you’re trying to work something out – how do you do it?)

4.     What does real connection feel like to you? How do you know when you’re connected?

5.     How do you connect to nature and how does it make you feel?

6.     How do you create good connections with your family – how could you improve those connections?

7.     How could you make one of your acquaintances into a friend?

8.     How could you become your own best friend this month?

9.     How can you disconnect from your phone and reconnect with lovely people in real life?

10.  How can you connect with ideas that uplift your spirit?

If you want to join the Heart Leap community on substack, do become a paid subscriber. I host twice weekly writing hours at 9am on Tuesday and a Thursday, plus masterclasses and live interviews with self development and writing experts. Lots of the Heart Leap community came to the Alnwick Story Fest last year too for some IRL connection. Do join us!

Photo by Diane Pilkington on Unsplash