Attract the Right Relationships and Deepen Your Connections

I interviewed Vex King, best-selling author of Closer to Love last year and he gave me some great advice on creating connection.

We are focussing on connection as our theme for the month. Last year I had the pleasure of interviewing Vex King on his new book Closer to Love for Metro. so thought I would share some his words of wisdom this month:

“If you could look at my DMs in Instagram, 90 per cent are questions about love,” he said. “Someone will message me: ‘Oh, my boyfriend Brad did this over the weekend…what should I do?’ But I don't know who Brad is and I don't know the full context of the relationship. It inspired me to write Closer to Love, a book on love and relationships that applies to this generation and empowers people to make their own decisions by building self-trust and self-awareness,” says Vex.

Author of the Sunday Times bestsellers Good Vibes, Good Life and Healing is the New High, Vex has sold more than one million books worldwide and spent 123 consecutive weeks in the Sunday Times top ten. In Closer to Love, Vex applies his ground-breaking philosophy of self-love to the world of relationships, helping readers forge deeper and more meaningful connections. “The core message in the book is that the best relationships are built when we build the relationship with ourselves first,” he says. Here’s a short excerpt from the article.

What are the most common love problems that people struggle with?

People want to know why they keep attracting the same dysfunctional relationships and why the cycles keep repeating. Those in relationships usually want to know how to deepen the love that they have with their partner and how to rekindle the flame.

How do we improve a relationship?

Recognise that your emotions and reactions are your responsibility. Instead of blaming the other person for how you feel, focus on identifying and expressing your own emotions in a constructive way that won't damage your connection. Use ‘I’ statements. Instead of saying, ‘You did this to me, or you always do this’, try saying, ‘I feel frustrated when this happens…’. That way you're showing that you take ownership of your own emotions. Dr. John Gottman, a marriage counsellor, talks about the four bad communication styles which can predict breakup or divorce. And one of them is defensiveness. When the other person expresses their own feelings or concerns, try to listen to them without being defensive. Instead of dismissing or denying the reality and perspective, try your hardest to understand where they're coming from, and validate their experience. That is a complete game changer. We all just want to be seen, heard and understood. But when we become defensive, we deny people to have that right in the relationship.

How do you build a loving, healthy relationship with yourself and others?

You start with yourself. There are three key components. First, practice self-care. Take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs by engaging in activities that nourish and replenish you. This can include things like exercise, healthy eating, meditation, hobbies etc. The second step is to explore yourself. Reflect on your beliefs and where they come from. And if they're hurtful or helpful. When I started building a healthy relationship with myself, I realised that a lot of the things I believed were not only harmful but were things that I adopted from people that I thought were authorities in my life, for example, a parent or uncle and auntie, and it was things that not only limited my potential in life, but they were things that weren't grounded in reality or necessarily true. Self-exploration and inquiry helps you to discover who you really are. The final step of creating a healthy relationship with yourself is the hardest - healing from any pain created in your past. That is an ongoing journey and you’ll go back and forth with that. Some days, you might feel like you've made tremendous progress. Then you might feel like you're back to square one. But whether it's trauma or just repressed emotions, it's important to embark on the healing journey, because it really helps you understand and love yourself.

8 red relationship flags: Proceed with caution

1.     There is love bombing at the beginning of a relationship and then suddenly it stops and is replaced with criticism or manipulation.

2.     There is distinct lack of empathy where your partner can’t ever seem to want to try to understand your point of view.

3.     Your partner dismisses or minimises your emotions.

4.     Your partner has a high need for control and they believe they are right all of the time.

5.     When you don’t comply with your partner’s way of doing things, they show anger, stonewall or ghost you.

6.     Your partner tries to manipulate you to get their own way by using guilt or fear.

7.     When you express your needs, your partner does not take them on board or disregards them completely.

8.     You feel mostly deflated in the relationship.

Vex King’s new book Closer to Love: How to Attract the Right Relationships and Deepen Your Connections (Bluebird Books For Life, £16.99.) is out now.

Journaling prompt for today:

How can you improve your relationship with yourself?

P.S Heart Leap Writing hour starts at 9am. Every Tuesday and Thursday, I host a writing hour where we all get together and write our books/substack in a friendly cohort. It’s a way of committing to our writing and to give yourself accountability.

It’s open to paid subscribers but today, I’m inviting you all to come along to try it.

Suzy Walker is inviting you to the Heart Leap Writing Hour 9am-10am on Tuesday and Thursday every week

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us06web.zoom.us/j/82213810644?pwd=7Xbe9G7joQUmDwg5thjiUMLWJJPZQS.1

Meeting ID: 822 1381 0644

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